Precious Illusions

part 5

Cole Turner hesitantly sat his tall, lean frame down upon the bed, awarding her his undivided attention, his gorgeous visage belying just a touch of sadness. His blues threatened to close themselves tight, still very much deep in thought from the brief, but very telling chaos of the night's events. He'd thrown on a pair of extremely worn jeans that were torn at one knee, his feet entirely bare, a red t-shirt settling itself comfortably over his broad shoulders. "I'm going to go back," he stated simply, almost as if he hadn't even expected her to object in the slightest, his gaze finally settling on her. "I'm taking Laurel with me."

Phoebe Halliwell only nodded, as she quietly pursed her lips, casually leaning her back against the pillows she'd propped up while she'd waited for him, a barely noticeable trace of sorrow buried deep within her brown eyes. She absentmindedly toyed with the reading glasses she held in her hand, twirling them between her fingers to busy herself, and finally professed the very smallest of shrugs. "That's not exactly a good idea right now, is it?"

"You're going to tell me that what I'm doing is wrong because my past self will already be there."

"Yeah, and your past self already knows what he has to do. It's not like you can stop him from try-"

"But I just might be able to if I can get to Laurel before he does."

"Then why even bother bringing the one that's here now?" she argued. "Remember her? The Laurel that's currently stuck in the present? You're messing with something pretty big here, Cole, and in case you're still unaware, you don't exactly slip through time and call it a day. It has consequences."

"I already know how it ends," he whispered. "What else is there to factor into it? I know how she dies, Phoebe, because I was the one who killed her. I know what she felt and I know what it felt like to do it."

"Yeah, I think I got that part," she told him just as quietly, her expression failing to hide a great deal of surprise in terms of the blunt attitude he projected, finally setting the glasses down neatly in front of her. She lightly crossed her arms over her chest, calmly letting out a breath. "This means that if I decide to go with you, I just might see it, too."

"That's only if I let it happen again," he reminded her, "which I'm obviously hoping to prevent."

"Cole, if you change the course of history for her, it might just change for you, too."

"I highly doubt that."

"Why?!" she snapped, and almost instantly regretted it. "Is it because you say so, that you're...you're absolutely positive right here and now that it'll all go as planned? You can't know that. Nobody can, Cole. You have no way of-"

"I love you," he told her then, his voice nearly on the verge of cracking, his lips betraying just the briefest tremble, as he struggled to gesture towards her with his hands. "You've always known that. You know it even now."

"You have to stop being a hero to people you can't save," she uttered, her line of vision grazing the ceiling, fighting to keep her eyes from welling up, as she felt a lump form and thicken in her throat, settling rather uncomfortably. "You can't sacrifice yourself for something that wasn't meant to be."

"That's the way you felt about us," he offered, very nearly smiling as the memory ran its course and pried itself from the crevice of his mind, slowly and gingerly reaching for her hand and taking it in one of his. He felt it shake faintly beneath the warmth he bestowed upon it.

"It's different."

"No, it's not. It's not, because I was in love, and you allowed me to believe I was capable of feeling that love. There are some things that can take evil and question the very core of its motives. That was one of them, and it still is."

"I don't see-" She stopped abruptly then, only half realizing he'd been carefully shielding himself as best he could from something much more profound than what he'd confessed to her. She should have caught on a lot sooner than she did, and thus surmrised she was still missing one very important piece of the puzzle. It was one piece she hadn't even started to consider, let alone apply to his situation, because of the man and half demon he'd once been. He could probably feel, but it didn't mean he could make sense of it. He'd meant what he'd told her earlier regarding his nature, but she figured the bigger tragedy in this was seeing a woman fall for things he had never been able to process and say to her. There were too many unspoken emotions, she concluded to herself rather guiltily. It didn't matter so much that he was given orders, but it mattered that he wasn't adept at expressing himself because of what he was. He'd repressed it so much, he believed it to be true. "You cared about her, didn't you?"

"Phoebe."

"On some level, you probably loved her. I mean, not the way you do me, but more or less unconsciously. She wasn't some quick kill you were so determined to forget like all of the others. But you were most likely confused back then, and I...did you?"

"I really don't think it matters now."

"How can you say that?" she confronted softly, her bottom lip faltering a bit. "The past is the past, Cole, but it doesn't make it totally useless. We learn from it. You should know by now that it has to exist. You've seen proof, you've even lived it."

"I tried to pretend my mother didn't exist for the longest time," he added, nodding, "and after awhile, I couldn't hide from it anymore, because she sought me out. I get that now- trust me, I get it. She found me and wanted to hurt me because I'd become more human than she could ever dream of being herself. She was upset because I was able to feel, and she never had that with my father."

"He's been asking about you, you know."

"Yeah, I've been meaning to get over there for a visit," he mused, shrugging. "Just never seem to get around to it."

"You can bet he'll be one of the first ones at the hospital when this baby's due," she told him, smiling.

"Mmm. He makes the time and I currently have nothing to show for it," he murmured. "Typical, when you think about it."

"So how did you get her to trust you?"

"It was during the nineteen forties."

"Really, that far back? The decade that spawned World War II?"

He merely acknowledged the question with a single nod. "Men were going off to war and women were just starting to make a name for themselves by getting real jobs."

"Leo was in World War II," she told him. "He was a medic."

"I know," he whispered. "Yeah, it's pretty ironic, isn't it? I mean, considering the present outcome? He was helping people and I was killing them."

"That's not what I meant," she objected, throwing him a quick glance. "Look, despite what the Elders turned him into, he was obviously aware of the fact that you can't exactly come to the rescue of every person out there, Cole. Tragedy is unexpected, but it happens."

"I wouldn't really call mine unexpected, as I only did what I set out to do. I chose to do it, I meant to. She may have been the biggest job I took on, aside from you and your sisters."

"Maybe you shou-"

"But Leo tried, didn't he?" He professed a soft chuckle. "I didn't even do that much, and that's just what separates his past from mine. He was always a good man, so they gave him another chance as one. I became one, and I've already been to hell and back. I've had so much thrown back in my face."

"How'd you meet?"

"Are you sure you still want to hear this?"

"Try me," she stated, without a moment's hesitation.

He cleared his throat, placing his arms over his chest. "I pick pocketed some loose change she carried in the left pocket of her coat. I'd been watching her the entire evening, just...noting where she'd put things, her habits, calculating how I could make some kind of an introduction. After I'd done it for a few hours and met with some success, I later approached her to ask her if she'd maybe dropped it. It was..." He stopped, his eyes vividly and yet painfully immersing themselves deep into the heart of the memory. "It was just done with such ease, such careful ease, that I didn't even think to question it. I needed to get her to acknowledge me, and it worked. I called out, she slowly turned around, and I came up to her and offered her the money, indicating that I was not only a gentleman, but an honest one at best. She bought into it, and she even smiled. It was the exact same smile that she still had on her face when I finally saw her again- here...in our house. She didn't actually have it on her face, but it was the only one I saw. The smile that would soon be her undoing, because she was so sure I was just some guy...some stranger being nice to her, instead of deceiving her- which, in fact, was what I'd been doing all along. When I'd said 'Miss,' she later told me I could just call her Laurel. She said there was no need to be so formal, because she was glad I'd taken the time to be so upfront when any other man would have pocketed the money right beside his own."

"Did you see her again after that?"

"Not right away," he admitted, shrugging. "I had to make her think I wasn't following her...that we just happened to be in the same place at the same time, running into each other again. It was supposed to be fate, right? Although, fate was probably the last thing I would have taken into consideration back then."

"But why her? I mean, out of all the women they could have told you to- you know, I really don't get it. She was just a normal person, right? No strings attached?"

"I found out the reason after I'd done what was asked of me. It wasn't quite as straightforward as the others, but on their terms, I suppose it made perfect sense."

"After you killed her," she reiterated.

"Yes," he emphasized, as his voice very nearly cracked, his handsome profile somewhat perturbed by her persistence. He tried to ignore it as best he knew how, choosing instead to regain the struggle he still held over maintaining his composure. It simply wasn't worth it to continue to dwell over a death that had long since come to take its rightful place in the tragic course of history, its outcome never questionable and obviously inevitable.

"So what was it?"

"Phoebe, listen to me-"

"I am," she insisted, cutting him off. "I just want to know what this woman did to piss off the likes of the Underworld. I mean it was obviously something of epic proportions, right? They sent you, and back then, well...you were one of the best they had. I don't think there's any disputing that."

"To them, it probably would be epic," he considered, agreeing with her. "But looking back on it now, I can honestly say I've killed for much worse. I guess that's where the sadness lies in all this. I had really built myself up then, thinking I could take on anyone or anything without the slightest hitch in plan. The next thing I know, I'm reformed...I'm Mr. Good Guy, playing by the rules, and each and every one of those kills just seems so frivolous when I think about it...each and every one."

"It just took you a long time to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It happens to the best of us, Cole."

"I saw you at the end of that tunnel," he whispered. "I was falling someplace I'd never been before, just a...what I thought was a really dark place, because it defied everything I stood for. The strange part is...I think I wanted to. I wanted to get away from whatever I was, because when I was with you, I knew what it was like to be somebody and to care. I wasn't just some half demon who was hired to take care of someone's dirty work, cleaning up the mess. I was still human."

"You were always human, and you'll come to see that time and again," she acknowledged, smiling. "You might have to face a few more things along the way, but you keep that part with you, and you'll never go wrong."

"I just never expected one of them to be alive."

"Did she witness someone doing something?" she prompted.

"No, nothing like that."

"Then what?"

"Her father owed a fairly large debt in the Underworld, and in the event of his death, and his inability to pay back that debt...the only alternative he could reach that would be deemed equal, was for them to sacrifice his own daughter for his troubles. This would once again bring the family name to good terms, and no more harm would come to them."

She stared at him for just a moment, her eyes observing the pain that had etched itself more evenly upon his gorgeous face. "She never found out?"

"Her father kept his dealings a secret from everyone he knew and loved. It was obviously justified, considering the lengths he went through to protect what he'd gotten himself into."

"I hardly think killing his own daughter justifies anything, Cole."

"No, see, it does, because he wasn't the one who had to kill her. He'd already passed on and wouldn't have to mourn her death."

"Did he ever think it would actually come to that?"

"I'm not sure."

"Do you think he's responsible for resurrecting her?"

"I don't even know what she is," he re-emphasized, "and there's no indication that he would want her to suffer this much. It would have been against his will, from the little I knew of him. If he was aware she died, he'd never wish for her to be...brought back somehow."

"But maybe someone else did."

"Why? It doesn't fit. She wasn't that valuable to them, Phoebe. They just needed to know Mr. Egan had held up his end of the bargain. She was nothing of any value to them," he repeated.

"Yeah, and you two weren't really all that different," she remarked.

"I think I'd have to disagree with you on that," he added quietly. "The truth is, we were probably as different as night and day. I mean, I lied through my teeth about the person I was. The person she thought she knew never even existed. But she was always honest with me, and she had no intention of pretending to be someone she wasn't."

"Think about it," she insisted. "Look, you both grew up never really knowing your parents. You never knew who or what they were, what their upbringing was, and you were forced into being your own person. You had to make something of yourself and live your own life. I don't know, I just..." She sighed, shrugging her shoulders. "You might have thought you knew her, but maybe she was as caught up in his manipulations as he was. She could have known about what he was into and accidentally planned her own demise before she knew what hit her. She would have been keeping it from you and there was no way you could have found out the truth."

"Wouldn't that have made her suspicious of me from the start?" he countered, raising an eyebrow. "She never gave the slightest inclination she wasn't buying into the information I fed her."

"Some people don't. Some like to play it smooth, because they've already assumed a false persona of what others expect of them. You did that when you were around me, and we never disclosed anything about each other. We both had a secret, sure, but it never actually surfaced in casual conversation until I'd asked you. I was good, you were evil, yet there was a whole lot of love in between."

"It somehow doesn't sound so bad when you say it."

She smiled. "I'll take that as a good sign, because that could just mean you're more or less starting to believe the blame isn't entirely on you."

"Hey, has hell frozen over yet? Not that I'd want it to and all, but it actually feels a little cold in here." They both turned at the same time to see Paige Matthews standing in the doorway, her hand lightly gripping the knob on the other side, her eyes roaming the room with intense curiosity. She casually flipped a piece of dark hair behind one ear, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "So, are we talking divorce or just a few hours of separation?"

"Neither," Cole quipped, "but we did decide to make this Laurel's new home, and pack your bags for you."

"Oh, that's funny. Come to think of it though, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea. She clearly seems to share your love of brooding and feeling extra sorry for herself. I guess the crazy part still applies, too."

"Do you have something new to report, or did you just come up here to nag us?"

"Well, far be it for me to only choose one now, right?"

"Paige."

"Okay, look, here's the thing. She's talking now, and she's going on and on about things I don't even understand. However, on the plus side, she's honestly not behaving like a zombie anymore, so it probably all kind of works in her favor. I thought you'd want to know, in case you'd like to sit down and have a brief little chit-chat."

"I hate to break this to you, but if you've missed the front page headline tonight, we're not exactly the best of friends."

"Yeah, I gathered that by the way you're still drowning like no tomorrow in your sorrows. But this opportunity probably shouldn't be missed, and I'd just love an exclusive." She quickly professed a small grin in spite of herself. "You know, up close and personal, and all that?"

"It's late."

"I really don't think I need to remind you that she's not going to go away."

"You should try it," Phoebe urged him, lightly touching his shoulder. "From everything you've told me, I think the one thing she could use right now is someone familiar- someone who knows her...even if he wasn't the man she thought he was."

"It's late," he said again.

"I'll come with you," she offered. "If I'm there, she probably won't run off. It could put her much more at ease with me in the same room."

"I thought that's what Prue was for."

"Prue and Andy went to sleep. I told them I'd stay up and watch her," Paige volunteered. "Alex is still downstairs."

"You left my little girl alone with her?"

"Oh, c'mon, Cole. Your little girl isn't completely defenseless. She'll hold her own just fine with the weird chick who appears to be- big shock, completely human."

"That's not the point, Paige."

"All right, so what is the point? You don't hear any cries of damsels in distress now, do you?"

"Have you ever considered that she might just get up and-"

"She was in Alex's closet, Cole. I hardly think that's likely."

"Why is it that whenever you go and open your mouth, you always proceed to argue with me?"

"Hey, dude, you're doing all the arguing here, okay?" She immediately held up her hands in a sign of protest, as she sarcastically rolled her eyes at him. "I'm just being helpful and suggesting something. In case you didn't know, suggestions are not exactly a sign of violent tendencies."

"What's she saying?" Phoebe cut in.

"Not too sure," the Charmed One answered. "All kinds of things, you know? Darkness, despair, killing, and more darkness. The usual ramblings of someone you wouldn't want to be seen with in public if you don't want the cops involved. Other than that, it's been great having her here, really. She's been a real trooper."

"She's still confused," he murmured.

"You don't say."

"Well, she seems to keep trailing Cole's every move," Phoebe noted, her brows set deep in concentration, as her brown eyes looked past Paige and directly out into the dim hallway. "He was near Derek's house, he was near that closet..."

"But you don't think this is some revenge thing," Paige acknowledged.

"Enemies usually do more to get noticed."

"Cole sure did."

"You know, maybe you and I should have some time alone," he said quietly. "We could toss around a few bolts; create some inanimate objects- how about it?"

"Yeah, and don't think I'm still kidding about the family jewels," she reminded him, a big smile touching her lips. "Maybe they could just suddenly become inanimate objects, too."

"That's comforting," he managed.

"Listen, are you going to try this, or what?"

"If I am, it's not because I'm doing it for you," he concluded, flashing her a bright smile of his own.

"God, no, that would mean you'd actually be showing me some respect and saying I'm right, wouldn't it?"

"Not going to happen."

"Nope, didn't think so."

"Ally and I also need to have a little discussion about staying up way past her bedtime," he commented.

"Are you sure you're up for this?" Phoebe called out to her husband, watching him head after Paige, her eyes somewhat clouded with worry. “Absolutely positive?”

"You want answers, don't you?"

"Do you?"

He stopped, his eyes grazing her features, his hands calmly clasping themselves in front of him. "I think you were right. It's probably better to face the truth than to go through your whole life being completely unaware and unforgiving. I need to know, Phoebe. I can give her that much."

"It's always a relief to know," she stated softly.

"It's not going to keep the past from haunting me again, but it's one step closer to who I am. This didn't end with me as her knight in shining armor, and that much I've been able to come to terms with. I think this is something I need to do by myself."

She nodded. "I kind of thought so."

"I'll be back up soon."

"Be careful." He gave her a quick wink as he walked out of the room, throwing her a brief wave with a steady and strong hand. She had no choice but to proclaim a tired, contented sigh at his overdue departure, her rampant thoughts having exhausted her to the very core. She let her body fall into the sheets, wrapping them all around her and bringing them closer to her chin, struggling to suppress a cold that was all in her mind. She silently reached over to turn out the light, strands of slightly curled long, brown hair falling faintly around her pretty visage. She knew it was his battle. She'd known from the second he'd begun to endure the trouble in remembering. It was also common knowledge that he'd been through quite a few of them since she'd trusted him with her life again. It wasn't a mystery that it struck a bit of a different chord this time, reaching him far more than he could have ever envisioned, his past confronting and literally cornering him in his own domain with no way out. He'd been entirely reluctant to conquer that sadness and anger, and yet he was willing to go up against the same emotions he'd used to destroy an innocent with, watching her perish at his hands. But she somehow knew it would survive an altered outcome. It had to, because the man that had killed with satisfaction in his blue eyes all those years ago, was now a man who was satisfied by the very thought that he had found someone he could actually lose himself in. "I love you, Mr. Turner," she whispered into the darkness. "But sometimes I wonder if it's enough."

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