Precious Illusions
part 5
He carefully sat his tall, lean frame down upon the bed, awarding her his complete attention, his gorgeous visage belying just a touch of sadness upon it, as his eyes slowly winced, still very much deep in thought from the brief, but very telling chaos of the night's events. He'd thrown on a pair of extremely worn jeans, torn at one knee, his feet bare, a red t-shirt settling itself comfortably over his broad shoulders. "I'm going back," he stated simply, almost as if he hadn't even expected her to object in the slightest, his gaze finally settling on her. "And I'm taking her with me."
Phoebe Halliwell nodded, quietly pursing her lips, slowly leaning her back against the pillows she'd propped up while she'd waited for him, a barely noticeable trace of sorrow buried deep within her brown eyes. She absentmindedly toyed with the reading glasses she held in her hand, twirling them between her fingers to busy herself, and her shoulders gave the smallest of shrugs. "Yeah, and that's not exactly a good idea right now, Cole."
"You're going to tell me that what I'm doing is wrong because I'll already be there."
"Your past self knows what he has to do. It's not like you can stop him from-"
"But I just might be able to if I can get to past Laurel before he does."
"Then why even bother bringing the one that's here now? Remember her? The Laurel that's currently here in the present? You're messing with something pretty big. And in case you're still unaware, you don't exactly mess with time and call it a day. It has consequences."
"I already know how it ends," he whispered. "What else is there to factor into it? I know how she dies, Phoebe, because I was the one who killed her. I know what she felt and I know what it felt like to do it."
"Yeah, I think I got that part," she told him just as quietly, her gaze widening somewhat from his ongoing portrayal of honesty, as she finally set down the glasses in front of her. She lightly crossed her arms over her chest, a deep breath escaping from her lips. "And this means if I decide to go with you, I just might see that too."
"If I let it happen again," he reminded her, "which I'm hoping to prevent."
"Cole, if you change the course of history for her, it might just change for you, too."
"I highly doubt that."
"Why?!" she snapped, and almost instantly regretted it. "Because you say so? Because you're thinking it? You don't know that. Nobody knows that, Cole."
"I love you," he told her then, his voice nearly cracking, his lips betraying just the briefest tremble, his hands out in front of him, gesturing. "You've always known that. You know it even now."
"You can't keep being a hero to people you can't save," she uttered, her line of vision grazing the ceiling, struggling to keep her eyes from welling up, as she felt a lump form and thicken in her throat, settling rather uncomfortably. "You can't sacrifice yourself for something that wasn't meant to be."
"That's the way you felt about us," he offered, very nearly smiling as the memory ran its course and pried itself from the crevices of his mind, slowly and gingerly reaching for her hand and taking it in one of his, feeling it shake faintly beneath the warmth he bestowed upon it.
"It's different."
"No, it's not. It's not- because I was in love, and you let me believe I could feel that love. There are some things that can take evil and question the very core of its motives. That was one of them. It still is."
"I don't se-" She stopped abruptly then, only half realizing his cryptic behavior had been catching her off guard the entire time. She was missing one piece. It was one piece she hadn't even started to consider, let alone apply to his situation, because of the man and half demon he'd once been. He could probably feel, but it didn't mean he could accept it. He'd meant what he'd told her earlier regarding his nature, but she sensed the bigger tragedy in this was seeing a woman fall with things he had never been able to process and say to her. Unspoken emotions, she concluded to herself almost guiltily. It didn't matter so much that he was given orders, but it mattered that he wasn't capable of expressing himself because of what he was. He'd repressed it so much, he believed it to be true. "You cared about her, didn't you?"
"Phoebe."
"On some level, you probably loved her. I mean...not- not the way you do me. You were most likely confused back then, and I...did you?"
"I really don't think it matters now."
"How can you say that?" she confronted rather softly, her bottom lip trembling slightly. "The past is the past, Cole, but it doesn't mean it was totally useless. We learn from it. You should know by now that it has to exist. You've seen proof, you've even lived it."
"I tried to pretend my mother didn't exist for the longest time," he added, nodding, "and after awhile, I couldn't hide from it anymore, because she sought me out. I know that now. I realize that now. She found me and wanted to hurt me because I'd become more human than she could ever dream of being herself. She was upset because I was able to feel, and she never had that with my father."
"He's been asking about you, you know."
"Yeah, I've been meaning to get over there for a visit," he mused, shrugging. "Just never seem to get around to it."
"You can bet he'll be one of the first ones at the hospital when this baby's due," she told him, smiling.
"Mmm. He makes the time and I currently have nothing to show for it," he murmured. "Typical, when you think about it."
"So how did you get her to trust you?"
"It was during the nineteen forties."
"Really, that far back? The decade that spawned World War II?"
He merely acknowledged the question with a single nod. "Men were going off to war and women were just starting to make a name for themselves by getting real jobs."
"Leo was in World War II," she told him. "He was a medic."
"I know," he whispered. "Yeah, it's pretty ironic, isn't it? I mean, considering the present outcome? He was helping people and I was killing them."
"That's not what I meant," she objected, throwing him a quick glance. "Look, despite what the Elders turned him into, he was obviously aware of the fact that you can't exactly come to the rescue of every person out there, Cole. Tragedy is unexpected, but it happens."
"I wouldn't really call mine unexpected, as I only did what I set out to do. I chose to do it, I meant to."
"Maybe you shou-"
"But he tried, didn't he?" He professed a soft chuckle. "I didn't even do that much, and that's just what separates his past from mine. He was always a good man, so they gave him another chance as one. I became one, and I've already been to hell and back."
"How'd you meet?"
"Are you sure you still want to hear this?"
"Try me," she stated, without a moment's hesitation.
He cleared his throat, settling his arms over his chest. "I pick pocketed some loose change she carried in the left pocket of her coat. I'd been watching her the entire evening, just...noting where she'd put things, her habits, calculating how I could make some kind of an introduction. After I'd done it and met with some success, I later approached her to ask her if she'd maybe dropped it. It was..." He stopped, his eyes carefully and yet painfully immersing themselves deep into the heart of the memory. "It was just done with such ease, such...careful ease, that I didn't even question it. I needed to get her to acknowledge me, and it worked. I called out, she slowly turned around, and I came up to her and offered her the money, indicating that I was not only a gentleman, but an honest one at best. She bought into it. She even smiled. And you know something? It's the same smile that she still had on her face when I finally saw her again- here...in our house. She didn't actually have it on her face, but it was the only one I saw. The smile that would be her undoing, because she was so sure I was just some guy...some stranger being nice to her, instead of deceiving her- which, in fact, was what I'd been doing all along. When I'd said 'Miss,' she later told me I could just call her Laurel. She said there was no need to be so formal, because she was glad I'd taken the time to be so upfront when any other man would have pocketed the money right beside his own."
"And you saw her again after that?"
"Not right away," he sided, shrugging. "I had to make her think I wasn't following her...that we just happened to be in the same place at the same time- running into each other again. Fate, right? Although, fate was the last thing I would have believed back then."
"But why her? I mean, out of all the women they could have- you know, I don't get it. She was just a normal person, right? No strings attached?"
"Like I said, I only found out the reason after I'd done what was asked of me."
"After you killed her."
"Yes," he emphasized, as his voice very nearly cracked, his handsome profile somewhat a bit perturbed by her persistence. But he calmly brushed it away, regaining the struggle he still held with maintaining his composure, fighting the urge to get upset over something that had long since come to take its rightful place in the tragic course of history, its outcome never questionable and obviously envitable.
"So what was it?"
"Phoebe, listen to me-"
"I am," she insisted, cutting him off. "I just want to know what this woman did to piss off the likes of the Underworld. I mean it was probably something of epic proportions, right? They sent you, and back then, well...you were one of the best they had. I don't think there's any disputing that."
"To them, it probably would be epic," he considered, agreeing with her. "Although, looking back on it now, I can honestly say I've killed for much worse. And I guess that's where the sadness lies in all this. I built myself up then, thinking I could take anything or anyone on without the slightest hitch in plan. Next thing I know, I'm all reformed...Mr. Good Guy, all playing by the rules, and each and every one of those kills just seems so damn trivial when I think about it...each and every one."
"It just took you a long time to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Happens to the best of us, Cole."
"I saw you at the end of that tunnel," he whispered. "I was falling someplace I'd never been before, just a...what I thought was a really dark place, because it defied everything I stood for. And the strange part is...I think I wanted to. I wanted to get away from the person I was, because when I was with you...I knew what it was like to really be somebody. You know? I wasn't just some half demon who was hired to take care of some guy's dirty work, cleaning up the mess. I was still human."
"You were always human. And you'll come to see that time and again," she acknowledged, smiling. "You might have to face a few more things along the way, but you still keep that small part with you, and you can't go wrong."
"I just never expected one of them to be alive."
"Did she witness someone doing something?" she prompted.
"No. Nothing like that."
"Then what?"
"Her father owed a fairly large debt in the Underworld, and in the event of his death, and his inability to pay back that debt...the only alternative he could reach that would be deemed equal, was for them to sacrifice his own daughter for his troubles. This would once again bring his family name to good terms, and no more harm would come to them."
She stared at him for just a moment, her eyes observing the pain that had etched itself more evenly upon his gorgeous face. "She never knew?"
"Her father kept his dealings a secret from everyone he knew and loved. It was obviously justified, considering the lengths he went through to protect what he'd gotten himself into."
"I hardly think killing his own daughter justifies anything, Cole."
"No, see, it does, because he wasn't the one who had to kill her. He'd already passed on and wouldn't have to mourn her death."
"Did he ever think it would actually come to that?"
"I'm not sure."
"Do you think he's responsible for resurrecting her?"
"I don't even know what she is," he re-emphasized. "And there's no indication that he would want her to suffer this much. It would have been against his will, from the little I knew of him. If he knew she died, he'd never wish for her to be...brought back somehow."
"But maybe someone else did."
"Why? It doesn't fit. She wasn't that valuable to them. They just needed to know Mr. Egan had held up his part of the bargain. She was nothing of any value to them," he repeated.
"Yeah, and you two weren't really all that different," she remarked.
"I think I'd have to disagree with you on that," he added quietly. "The truth is, we were probably as different as night and day. I mean, I lied threw my teeth about the person I was. The...person she thought she knew never existed. She was honest with me. She had no intention of pretending to be someone she wasn't."
"Think about it," she insisted. "Look, you both came from pasts where you never really knew your parents. You never knew what or who they were, what their upbringing was, and you were forced into being your own person, making something of yourself- living your own life. I don't know. I just..." She sighed, shrugging her shoulders. "You might have thought you knew her, but maybe she was as aware of his manipulations as he was. She could have known about what he was into and accidentally planned her own demise before she knew what hit her. She would have been keeping it from you and you would never have realized it."
"Wouldn't that have made her suspicious of me from the start?" he countered, raising an eyebrow. "She never gave the slightest inclination she wasn't buying into the information I fed her."
"Some people don't. Some like to play it smooth- they've already eased into what others expect them to be. You did that when you were around me, and we never disclosed anything about each other, yet we both had a secret. I was good, you were evil."
"It somehow doesn't sound so bad when you say it."
She smiled. "I'd take that as a good sign, because that could just mean you're more or less starting to believe the blame isn't entirely on you."
"Hey, has hell frozen over yet? Because it actually feels a little cold in here." They both turned at the same time to see Paige Matthews standing in the doorway, her hand gripping the knob on the other side, her eyes roaming the room with intense curiosity, her lips somewhat pursed. She casually flipped a piece of dark hair behind one ear, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "So. Are we talking divorce or just separation?"
"Neither," Cole quipped, "but we did decide to make this Laurel's new home, and pack your bags for you."
"Oh, that's funny. Come to think of it though, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea. She clearly seems to share your love of brooding and feeling extra sorry for herself. I guess the crazy part still applies, too."
"Do you have something new to report, or did you just come up here to nag us?"
"Well, far be it for me to only choose one now, right?"
"Paige."
"Okay, look, here's the thing. She's talking now. She's going on and on about things I don't even understand...but on the plus side, she's not behaving like a zombie anymore. I thought you'd want to know, in case you'd like to sit down and have a brief little chit-chat."
"I hate to break this to you, but if you've missed the headline on the front page tonight, we're not exactly the best of friends."
"Yeah, I gathered that by the way you're still drowning like no tomorrow in your sorrow. But this opportunity probably shouldn't be missed. I'd love an exclusive. You know, up close and personal, and all that?"
"It's late."
"Need I remind you that she's just not going to go away?"
"You should try it," Phoebe urged him, lightly touching his shoulder. "And from what you've already told me, I think the one thing she could use right now is someone familiar- someone who knows her. Even if he isn't the friend she thought he was."
"It's late," he said again.
"And I'll come with you," she offered. "With me there, she probably won't run off. It could make her much more at ease with me there in the same room."
"I thought that's what Prue was for."
"Prue and Andy went to sleep. I told them I'd stay up and watch her," Paige volunteered. "Alex is still downstairs."
"You left my little girl alone with her?"
"Oh, c'mon, Cole. Your little girl isn't completely defenseless. She'll hold her own just fine with the weird chick who appears to- big shock, be completely human."
"That's not the point, Paige."
"Then what is? You don't hear any cries of damsels in distress now, do you?"
"Have you ever considered that she might just get up and-"
"She was in Alex's closet, Cole. I hardly think that's likely."
"And why is it that whenever you open your mouth, you always proceed to argue with me?"
"Hey, dude, you're doing all the arguing here, okay?" Holding up her hands in a sign of protest, she sarcastically rolled her eyes. "I'm just being helpful and suggesting something. In case you didn't know, suggestions are not exactly a sign of violent tendencies."
"What's she saying?" Phoebe cut in. "Paige?"
"I don't know," the Charmed One sided. "All kinds of things, you know? Darkness, despair, killing, and more darkness. The usual ramblings of someone you wouldn't want to be seen with in public if you don't want any cops involved. Other than that, it's been great having her, really. She's been a real trooper."
"She's still confused," he murmured.
"You don't say."
"Yet she seems to keep following Cole around," Phoebe noted, her brows now set deep in concentration, her brown eyes gazing past Paige, directly out into the dim hallway. "He was near the apartment, he was near that closet..."
"But you don't think this is some revenge thing," Paige acknowledged.
"Enemies usually do more to get noticed."
"Cole sure did."
"You know, maybe you and I should have some time alone," he said quietly. "Toss around a few bolts, create some inanimate objects. How about it?"
"Look, don't think I'm still kidding about the family jewels," she reminded him, a small smile coming across her face. "Maybe they could just suddenly become inanimate objects, too."
"That's comforting," he managed.
"Are you going to try this, or what?"
"If I am, it's not because I'm doing it for you," he concluded, flashing her a bright smile of his own.
"God, no. That would mean you're actually showing me some respect and saying I'm right, wouldn't it?"
"Not going to happen."
"Nope, didn't think so."
"Ally and I also need to have a little chat about staying up way past her bedtime," he commented.
"Are you sure you're up for this?" Phoebe called out him, watching him head after Paige, her eyes somewhat filled with worry. “Absolutely positive?”
"You want answers, don't you?"
"Do you?"
He stopped, his eyes touching her face, his hands calmly clasping themselves in front of him. "I guess it's like you said. Sometimes it's better to know than to go through your whole life not knowing. I think I need to know."
"To stop feeling the way you do."
"It's not going to keep the past from haunting me again, but it's one step closer to who I am. This didn't end with me as her knight in shining armor, Phoebe, and that much I've been able to come to terms with. I think this is something I need to do by myself."
She nodded. "I kind of thought so."
"I'll be back up soon."
"Be careful." He gave her a soft grin as he walked out of the room, tossing out a quick wave of his hand, as he finally departed, leaving her to proclaim a tired, but contented sigh. She let her body fall into the sheets, wrapping them all around her, bringing them closer to her chin, as she reached over to turn out the light, strands of slightly curled long brown hair falling faintly around her pretty face. She knew it was his battle. She'd known from the second he'd begun to endure the struggle of remembering. He'd been through quite a few of them since she'd trusted him with her life again, and this time it probably got to him a bit more than he would have liked, his past confronting and literally cornering him in his own domain with no way out. He'd been so reluctant to face up to that sadness and anger, and yet he was willing to go up against the same emotions he'd used to destroy an innocent with, watching her perish at his hands. But she somehow knew this time would be different. It had to be, because the man that had killed with satisfaction in his blue eyes all those years ago, was now a man who was satisfied by the very thought that he had found someone he could actually feel for. "I love you, Mr. Turner," she whispered into the darkness. "But sometimes I wonder if it's enough."